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Posts Tagged ‘analytics’

“Nutella covered person,” and other psychotic Google searches leading to my blog

Every so often, I like to check Google Analytics to see what search terms are leading people to my website. This is the sort of endeavor that always seems like a good idea until you actually do it, and then you feel a sort of dirtiness that all the soap, water, and acetone in the world cannot remove.

Most of the search terms were pretty obvious, consisting of the names of specific people mentioned in posts, and the occasional legal search term. A handful, though, range from amusing to bemusing to downright macabre. Screencaps and commentary to follow (click screencaps to embiggen).

I. A darkly-amusing variant on some previous posts:

Google search: how is john thomas ford doing in jail

Search term #45: “how is john thomas ford doing in jail”

I sure couldn’t tell you. As far as I know, he’ll be there a while. Ask somebody who cares.

II. I guess I could see how this led you to me, but…

Google search: "i don't heart caplocks"

Search term #46: ”i don’t heart caplocks”

Neither do I. People who type with caps lock on make me very, very ANGRY.

III. You came to the wrong place for this:

Google search: "boobs"

Search term #35: “boobs”

Nothing to see here. Move along….

Google search: "utah boobs"

Search term # 59: “utah boobs”

Um, I did once write a post with both “boobs” and “Utah” in the title, but that only explains my side of this equation.

Is there something about boobs in Utah that merits such a specific search? Have I been living under a delusion that boobs are pretty much the same all over the world? I tried Googling to see what I could learn, but I just ended up back on my own site.

Google search: "sexy pics online"

Search term #57: “sexy pics online”

The fact that someone actually clicked on a website called Wells Law Office looking for “sexy pics” makes me very, very concerned for the future of this country.

IV. Wait, what?

Google search: "nutella covered person"

Search term #54: “nutella covered person”

V. Now I am scared…

Google search: "rape sex in an elevator"

Search term #27: “rape sex in an elevator”

I assume this led to my post on “Elevatorgate” from last summer. I cannot fathom, nor do I wish to fathom, what one person searching three times expected to find.

Google search: "www.animalsdog.com xxx"

Search term #60: ”www.animalsdog.com xxx”

Ummm, uh…..I, uh……um…….

Thank you all for coming. I hope you’ve enjoyed your time here, but I think it is clear that the internet is over. Everyone please back away quietly…..

At least I know that the people doing these particular searches did not actually spend any time on my site.

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