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Posts Tagged ‘battery’

In a civilized society, people should not have to be told not to do this

Soooooooo…..interesting news on Above the Law this week. I’m not entirely sure why I feel compelled to comment on this. I do like a little controversy now and then, though, so here goes. Seems there have been two–yes, two–legal matters recently relating to men surreptitiously making, uh, DNA deposits intended for consumption by unwitting women. Two hardly makes for a national trend, but still, ew.

If you are easily offended or have recently eaten, you should probably just stop reading now.

Also, this is a family-friendly blog (okay, not really), so I reserve the right to redact quotes and use euphemisms instead of medically-correct terms.

In a California case, an employee of Northwestern Mutual Investment Services complained of  Michael Kevin Lallana after she inadvertently ingested his, uh, you know, which he intentionally put into her water bottle at work. He was charged with and convicted of two counts of misdemeanor battery. Why two counts? Because he did it twice. She figured out what was amiss the second time, and the story of how she did that goes on another blog.

The judge ordered him to pay restitution for “for loss of wages, therapy and medical expenses, including the money she paid to have the tainted water tested” to the tune of $27,410.80. It begs the question of why he did it. For starters, he pleaded not guilty and claimed he did not know such behavior would be frowned upon by his employer or by the law. His statement, in what may be the greatest evidence of the sexual dysfunction of our society, was that “her lips had touched it…It was the closest I could ever get to someone as good looking as that without tampering with my marriage or hurting anyone.” Again, ew.

Setting aside the implicit insult to his wife, his lack of understanding of what it means to “hurt” someone, and any particular opinion of the good-lookingness of his victim, it’s worth noting that, at $13,705.40 per “contribution,” he could have found a less expensive way to find an attractive woman (but then he probably knows that that would be illegal, and might hurt someone.)

If you’re too grossed out to continue, here is an escape route to Nyan Cat.

I will now continue writing this post with the Nyan Cat song playing in the background. I can’t guarantee my sanity.

Moving on to New York, a woman has sued Planet Sushi for “physiological and psychological injuries” after eating some sushi with, uh, you know where this is going.

The case just survived a motion to dismiss filed by the restaurant’s attorneys, arguing spoliation of evidence (apparently the incident occurred in 2008, lab testing to confirm, uh, you know, was inconclusive, and the samples were not retained.)

This case may be more difficult than the California case, particularly without clear lab results and no remaining samples. The question will come up as to what formed the basis for plaintiff’s suspicions, and that question will lead to all sorts of sophomoric places (i.e. how did she know what she was tasting so quickly?) There is also no specific tortfeasor here, and no specific motive like the ridiculous creepy one offered by the guy in California. This will not be a proud moment in American jurisprudence. Entertaining, perhaps, but definitely not proud.

I’m not sure if I will post on this again. I’m also not sure I’ll ever eat sushi again.

The Nyan Cat song was playing for 27 minutes, 18 seconds as I wrote this. I’m off to wash my ears now.

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